Beyond Surviving: Pursuing Joy after Breast Cancer (in France)
Is there something beyond surviving cancer? What would it look like to pursue joy, beauty, and passion after breast cancer? Upon returning from our Fall 2023 trip to France, I continue to pursue joy, even though I won’t be speaking French as much as I was on vacation.
I remember the haze of diagnosis like it was yesterday. I recall the anxiety, worry, and fear. I wondered if I would survive. Even with the positive prognosis (as “positive” as a cancer diagnosis could be), I experienced unexpected mental and emotional challenges to my well-being. Surviving not only the treatment, which was hard, but the mental and emotional aftermaths became a daily journey. I was surviving every day, and recovery was not an event I could look forward to but a process I was walking through.
In 2019, Dave and I had a celebratory trip planned for our 20th wedding anniversary in spring 2020, and I decided that trip would be my finish line. If I could only make it to France, I could pursue joy again. We could do this!
But that trip never happened, as it was scheduled for April 2020. My survivorship journey would be walked at home, not on the streets of Paris, as I had dreamed.
Fast forward four years, and I didn’t think we would actually make it to France. After so many years of delay, would the vacation really happen? As the plane pulled away from the gate in Los Angeles and the departure announcements began in French, it was undeniable. Next stop, Paris.
The Dream Becomes a Reality
The plane took off on my birthday, four years (and a day) after my DCIS diagnosis. Unlike that fearful and emotional birthday of 2019, I felt joy effervescing like the bubbles of the champagne I was sipping. (Merci Air France)
As we settled into our seats, I wondered if my memories of France would align with what we would see in several hours. Had my perspective been blurred with the passage of time?
Is There Something Beyond Surviving?
The last few years have marked massive changes in my life. A cancer diagnosis, a pandemic, my sons graduating and moving away, writing and publishing a book, injuries, and loved ones getting cancer. I don’t recall a time when I’ve struggled more with my mental and emotional well-being.
Beyond the physical challenges of cancer, I think the anxiety and worry have been the most unexpected and difficult parts of my survivorship journey. I no longer waltz into a doctor’s appointment with the carefree attitude of a healthy person. I fear a new diagnosis. My heart races, my palms sweat, I struggle to sleep, and I snap at my family. Or, I sit and scroll my phone endlessly, hoping for a peace that will never materialize.
Surviving has, at times, felt like hanging on. I’ve written before that recovery is a process we walk through, not a destination. But it is a journey that can be filled with uncomfortable emotions, biting anxiety, disappointment, and sadness. I don’t often dwell on the darker side of surviving cancer, but I will not ignore its reality. Cancer treatment is hard. Cancer recovery is hard. The fear of recurrence is real. And I am not the same.
I often wonder if there is something beyond surviving. Can I get to a place where I’m full of joy and passion again?
In redefining who I am after cancer, raising my kids, and publishing my first book, it is as if I am walking to an unknown destination.
- Will I write another book?
- What will it be about?
- What is next for me?
- What will our home life look like now that the boys are grown?
- Who am I?
- And what am I pursuing?
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Pursuing Joy
“You are so much happier when you are speaking French,” Dave often says after observing me in conversation over the years.
“But why is that?” I will typically respond.
“Why does it matter? If it brings you joy, why must you explain it?”
Invariably, I pause, wanting to find a way to explain it.
What is it about my inquisitive nature that must explain the reasons why something brings joy into my life? Does it increase my joy to understand why speaking French, petting a puppy, painting my nails, dancing, feeling the warmth of the summer sun on my face, or losing myself in a book makes me smile? Or can it be enough to know what to pursue?
For years now, it has been pursuing survival. First, I was pursuing the survival of cancer, then a pandemic, then a herniated disc, then an inconclusive biopsy and another surgery. Oh, and let’s not forget to include raising two sons and surviving those challenges!
Joy has been something I’ve sprinkled throughout the last few years, but it hasn’t been my primary pursuit.
Survival has been a more central pursuit.
But as we touched down in France and began our vacation, I began to feel the effervescence of joy. French was everywhere, as were the gorgeous buildings, the delicious food, and the sounds of the cities. As the words tumbled out of my mouth, I felt joyous. There was a lightness in my voice and heart.
Even the most superficial conversations would prompt a joyful burst inside. A few times, I needed to use the language to solve a problem or apologize for a mistake. Even then, as I looked back, I smiled because I realized I’d resolved the situation in French.
As the days progressed, I realized I was pursuing joy more than survival. October dawned, and I didn’t feel the rush of anxiety. Instead, I experienced joy as I noticed purposeful signs of the month in windows and stores.
Finding Your Joy
Perhaps France isn’t what brings you joy. In that case, pursuing joy may not involve a long flight overseas or speaking French. I’ll challenge you to seek out your own joy magnets. What brings out joy in you?
In the swirl of surviving, the power of joy often feels far away. Recently, in an episode of MOLLI Surgical’s “Breast Practices,” I had the opportunity to talk with Nurse Navigator Lillie Shockney. Among her many contributions to the breast cancer community is her facilitation of Metastatic Breast Cancer Retreats for couples. She told me that one of her favorite times is when she runs the. “Almost Newlywed” game. For two hours, laughter fills the room and squeezes out the heaviness of cancer. As I listened to her share and saw the sparkle of joy as she retells her memories, I realized that there is power in pursuing joy, even when life is hard.
As the days passed in France, I pursued joy with an energy I hadn’t experienced in years. I felt joy in immersing myself in the language, spending time with Dave, walking the beautiful cities, and experiencing novelty together. Each day dawned with a fresh opportunity to pursue joy, and it was a delightful change.
There is power in pursuing joy. We may not always succeed in experiencing it every time. And yet, we will move closer to that destination with each step we take.
Somewhere beyond surviving, there is pursuing joy. And for me, that will likely involve more trips to France!
If you’d like to read more about joy, here are a couple of books I’ve recently enjoyed on the topic. (affiliate links)
- “Joyful” Ingrid Fetell Lee. Buy on Amazon.
- “The Power of Fun” Catherine Price. Buy on Amazon.
Jennifer Douglas
Jennifer is the author of "A Breast Cancer Journey: Living it One Step at a Time," breast cancer survivor, and patient advocate. Her book, published in 2023 by Bold Story Press, is an encouraging guide for breast cancer patients. It contains first-hand information, organized by topics, to help readers navigate the diagnosis, treatment, and recovery from breast cancer. Her writing emphasizes emotional, mental, and physical well-being along with empowered decision-making.
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