Living in the Pause: In-Between Journeys
When we complete significant journeys, we often expect to feel a deep sense of accomplishment and joy. We should be fulfilled and energized, ready to take on what is next. But what happens when those rosy expectations don’t meet our reality? What happens when we reach the end of a journey and are depleted- mentally, physically, and emotionally? What is it like to live in the pause? What if we are in-between journeys?
I remember feeling this way right after I completed radiation treatment in 2019. I was thrilled to be finished with the daily routines of appointments and couldn’t wait for what was next. Surely 2020 would be an amazing year, one which our family would be able to celebrate. (You can probably guess where this story is going…)
Unexpected Pandemic Pause
In January 2020, I was regaining my strength and energy and trying to cope with the side effects of tamoxifen. I had taken over the schooling again, and Dave was back to travel. Hope and energy were returning to me every day. I had begun writing my book, which was just the therapy I needed.
As it did for the world, in March 2020, it all began to close in on us. As everything shut down, we cocooned into our home. I was terrified of getting sick, especially since I’d just finished treatment.
Suddenly, the vision of our lives after cancer was shattered. We didn’t know what was next or how long this pause would last.
Sometimes I try to ignore that we essentially lost more than two years of our lives to cancer and the pandemic. That was a long pause, and if I dwell on it too long, anger and regret bubble up.
The Futility of the What-Ifs
Looking back, I wonder, did I make the “right” choices? What will be the lasting impact on our lives because of our decisions? Would I have made a different choice if I knew how long it would last? I can spin myself into a flurry of anxiety by dwelling too long on the “what-ifs.” There is no going back, so what would the purpose be in asking the what-if?
We won’t ever get to time travel and go back to those years. The experiences we had may shape future decisions. But there is no use in dwelling on the “what-if.”
While we all experienced this pause with the pandemic, our realities were different. There are some who may feel like the pandemic journey is over. And others for whom it is not.
But this is not a post about the pandemic per se. It is more about what happens when we finish a journey. Perhaps it is a journey with a job. Or with parenting. Or maybe you are completing a step in your treatment journey.
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Life Pause: Getting Personal
These pauses exist in our lives, and they can sometimes feel uncomfortable. Sitting in-between journeys feels like being caught in temporal goo. We cannot go back but don’t know where forward should be.
As I write this post, in the summer of 2023, I’m experiencing a significant transition. I am in what feels like the biggest pause of my life thus far. My book has been published, Dan has graduated but has not yet left for college, and I am lost.
I wake up in the morning trying to figure out what to do. Where should I focus my time? What would be most effective? Even our family rhythms have shifted again. Dave was traveling a lot this fall and spring, and then that was abruptly stopped. So now, once again, he is working at home full time. Our rhythms change, and it feels like a syncopated modern piece of music. There’s no predictability in the days or the weeks.
I thrive on consistency and routines. But right now, I don’t know how to build consistency into weeks that are all different. My brain is busy and needs rest. And then it wakes me up in the middle of the night to solve a problem.
The pause is not restful, consistent, or purposeful. It is full of uncomfortable emotions and busy thoughts.
I long for quiet days at home and then discover my neighbors are having their balcony redone. The soundtrack of my days has now become jackhammers. I decide to change things in the home by ordering a meal prep kit. But then they forget to put ingredients in, and I’m stuck with the wrong items for dinner.
I go one way, seeking ease and peace, and I am thwarted by things that are out of my control.
In an effort to design a life after a journey finishes, I find myself in a messy pause without a clear purpose.
Then, unfortunately, all too often, these feelings of uncertainty and anxiety erupt in outbursts of anger and frustration.
I know our lives will change immensely in the fall as we end the journey of having children living with us full-time. What will it be like? How can we prepare? What will it feel like to complete such a monumental journey?
I think it will feel much like it does right now. Like a pause. Will I get caught up in how I’m supposed to feel? Or will I feel what I need to feel in the pause?
I long to find a rhythm in this pause. But I know I have a vacation coming, so whatever rhythm I find will be interrupted.
I seek peace in the day-to-day, but the landscape of my days seems foggy. I sit in the uselessness of finding some “new normal” because it won’t matter next week or in the next few months. Then, there are moments of clarity within the fog- and an idea of what to do next. I feel energized. And then, I realize, there is no ability to progress on that idea until…
I don’t have any answers to share, probably because I’m still in the pause.
Below are some of the things I’m doing while I find myself here.
Life Pause Strategies
As I’ve been working through this latest life pause, I’ve made some intentional choices that are helping me experience more peace. There are plenty of ones I’ve made that HAVEN’T worked, but I think that is a different post.
- Paper Bullet Journal: I’ve returned to writing my routines down in an analog notebook. I have discovered that it is too easy to get distracted by social media on my phone and iPad.
- Journaling: I’m also journaling longhand in the notebook. Taking the time to write out what I’m feeling, thinking, and experiencing is helpful
- Weekly reflection time at a coffee shop: I’ve begun scheduling some planning time every Monday morning at Peets. I walk there, enjoy a coffee, and write out my reflections and intentions in my paper bullet journal.
- Noise Canceling headphones: I am extremely sensitive to background noise. Hearing other people’s conversations, construction noise, or music will trigger tension and anger in me, especially if I am trying to work on something. I have no idea how Dave has worked at home for so many years, but I think that is a different post. I have a collection of noise-canceling headphones, and I bring them with me when I walk to Peet’s or go to the library for writing. They don’t always work, but they help.
- Intentional Time for Well-Being: It is critical that I continue to do the things that I know work for my overall well-being during this pause. This looks like eating well, exercising, getting outside for reflection walks, scheduling time for manicures or massages, attending my BossBabe Societe calls, and doing a weekly dinner date with Dave.
- Respecting my physical signals and taking more breaks. The other day I took a nap for the first time in a while. I’d been up in the middle of the night, my brain racing, and I didn’t wake up feeling rested. So that afternoon, I napped. I did easy chores like returns and mailing packages when I woke up. My brain needed a break, so I respected it. I gave it the physical and mental rest it needed.
- Listen to voices that encourage rather than discourage. During this season of pause, I realize that I need to be intentional about who I allow to speak into my soul. I may find new voices of encouragement or need to lean into voices that have helped me in the past. This might mean rereading books or finding new ones that bring the perspective I need right now. It also means being honest with myself and others when something isn’t working.
- Accepting this is a season of pause, not a lifetime of uncertainty. I will find my new rhythms. I will establish new routines. I will seek the joys possible in the pause and look forward to a season of growth and renewal.
I don’t know exactly when this pause will end. Perhaps I will fall into a summer rhythm before Dan goes to college. Or maybe it will be in the fall when I feel momentum again. Pauses are not easy to live through, especially when they come at the end of a journey many years in the making.
If you are in a life pause, I encourage you to recognize that’s where you are and then design some strategies that support you as you experience this in-between time.
Jennifer Douglas
Jennifer is the author of "A Breast Cancer Journey: Living it One Step at a Time," breast cancer survivor, and patient advocate. Her book, published in 2023 by Bold Story Press, is an encouraging guide for breast cancer patients. It contains first-hand information, organized by topics, to help readers navigate the diagnosis, treatment, and recovery from breast cancer. Her writing emphasizes emotional, mental, and physical well-being along with empowered decision-making.
Jennifer I too find myself in a pause space. I have already incorporated some of the things you are doing but will certainly try a few of the other ones. Thank you for your thoughts!
You’re welcome! I hope that as the weeks have passed, you have discovered some peace and perspective in your pause!