Post-Surgical Swirl: Emotions During Recovery

There can be a surprising amount of emotions that we feel during our post-surgical recovery. The post-surgical swirl can bring up unexpected feelings that can catch us off guard. As we walk through this time of physical recovery, we also need to recover emotionally from breast cancer surgery.

Note: I am not a doctor or a mental health professional. What I write here is not to interpreted as medical advice. Please see my disclaimer for more information.

I have only had two surgeries thus far in my life. The first one was the removal of my wisdom teeth. I can’t say that I had a lot of emotions attached to my wisdom teeth. I was glad they were out, but I didn’t miss them. The scars from the removal are hidden. It was not an emotional surgery for me.

As I was heading into my lumpectomy, I had a sense that this recovery would be different. I had already needed to change the type of bras that I could wear daily because the underwires hurt my biopsy sites. I would open up my bra drawer and see the beautiful lace French bras that I loved to wear and feel disappointed. I couldn’t wear them because they hurt. Eventually, I put those bras up and out of my drawer and began stocking the drawers with bras I could wear. I didn’t want to feel frustrated every time I opened my bra drawer by seeing things I couldn’t wear.

This was just a precursor to the post-surgical swirl that arrived after my lumpectomy.

Preparation For the Swirl

On one of my phone calls to my dad before surgery, we were talking about the feelings I was having about my cancer diagnosis. He is also a cancer survivor and he was able to give me some insight as to what I might expect after treatment. I remember one conversation very clearly. He wanted me to be prepared that the emotions might be more difficult for me after my treatment was finished.

I was surprised at that statement, especially coming from him. My dad is a reserved person. He keeps his feelings pretty close to his vest. If he was sharing that I might want to be prepared for some strong emotions, it was worth listening to him.

My First Emotions After Surgery

The first emotion I felt after waking up from surgery in the recovery room was joy. I had made it through! I actually cried tears of happiness when I woke up. I was so shocked that I had made it through surgery.

My lumpectomy was the first time that I had been under general anesthesia. I was concerned that I would have a bad reaction to the anesthesia or that I wouldn’t wake up. None of that happened. I remember being in the surgical room, and it was cold. There were nurses and doctors all around. Then, I woke up. It was as if no time passed at all. I was so confused that it was over, especially since I had no memories at all!

I cried tears of relief and joy that it was over. The DCIS was out, and it was going to be ok. When I got moved back into my hospital room, I remember feeling so happy when I heard my husband’s voice (this was pre-Covid) and just thrilled to be done.

These feelings of joy and relief were a wonderful high that continued for the rest of the day. I was so thankful to see my kids, thrilled to be able to eat again, and relieved that I had made it through surgery.

I had my best night of sleep in months that day of surgery. The pain medicine was doing its job, and the wedge pillow enabled me to sleep on my back. I was just so thankful it was over.

The surgical high didn’t last forever. Those emotions that my dad had warned me about did come up in the next few weeks, as I was recovering physically from surgery.

Emotional Letdown After Surgery

We spend weeks, or sometimes months planning for surgery. We look forward to the time when the cancer will be removed. We make decisions, prepare, plan, and anticipate the surgery.

Then it is over, and we are sent home to recover. Depending on the surgery that was performed, our recovery could be a few weeks or span several months. Once that initial high wears off, the emotions can surface.

I remember feeling frustrated during my recovery. I wanted to be able to participate in the home more, but my job was just to sit and rest. My surgeon didn’t want me to walk much, so I felt stir crazy. I also got really sad and just cried during those first few weeks. I cried because I didn’t feel attractive. I was frustrated because I couldn’t take a shower or wash my hair. I had no energy, and I was dizzy. I felt useless and lazy. That wasn’t the case, but I sure felt that way.

I also felt unattractive. There really wasn’t anything romantic going on in our marriage during this entire process. We were really focused on getting me better, but that meant certain things weren’t normal.

I was anxious about the results. I wanted to know if my surgeon was able to get the cancer completely out with clean margins. It took several days before those results came back, and the anxiety came and went during that time.

These are just a few of the emotions I was feeling during that post-surgical swirl. The emotions that you might be feeling could be different.

Emotions That Might Surface

Sadness: Our breasts can be one of the ways that we accept and acknowledge our femininity. Whether we have had a lumpectomy or a mastectomy, our breasts aren’t the same. We might be feeling sad as we deal with the reality of the surgery.
Anger: Many things might spark our anger during this time. Perhaps the surgery didn’t go as planned, and we woke up to find out that things weren’t the way we thought they would be. We might find out that the margins weren’t clean on the removal, so we may be facing additional surgeries. We could also find out at our follow-up appointments that we require more treatment than we were expecting. Also, recovery can be frustrating. We might get angry at our family unexpectedly. Maybe we aren’t feeling supported, and we lash out in anger. This is normal.
Fear it isn’t unusual to experience fear during this time. We might not know all the treatment we are facing, and the thought of going through more brings up feelings of fear. We can also be afraid as we go through the surgical recovery. There may be bumps in the road which slow our recovery down.
Frustration: We can feel frustrated because the recovery isn’t going as planned. Perhaps we had the idea that we could bounce back from surgery, and we just aren’t. Maybe we want to be more helpful, and then we find out that we aren’t able to contribute.
Worthlessness: This one is a tough one to deal with. In many ways, we can find our value in the things that we can do for others. And now, we can’t. How do we find our worth, when we can’t do the things that we are used to?
Ugly: Ok, this isn’t an emotion. But, I’m going to include it here anyway. When we unwrap and take a look at the incisions for the first time, it is shocking. I remember my surgeon unwrapping me in the office, and being really pleased with the appearance. He could clearly see through all the markings, stitches, and bruising that was all over me. I didn’t feel attractive. If you have had a mastectomy, you will look radically different. It will take time to get accustomed to what you look like after surgery.
Pain: We might be in a lot of pain after surgery. This can be difficult to manage, especially if we don’t have the right combination of medicine. When we’re in pain, it can be really hard to be pleasant. We need to stay on top of the pain as much as possible so that we don’t always feel awful.
Exhaustion: Surgery takes a toll on us physically. We will be exhausted, and we might have no energy at all. We also can be emotionally drained and exhausted from all that led up to the surgery.

These are just a few of the feelings that might come over us as we are recovering from our breast cancer surgery. It is normal to be experiencing negative emotions after our surgery. If these feelings are pervasive and lasting for a long time, please reach out to your medical team. Depression and mental health challenges are very common for cancer patients. There is support available to you if you reach out!

If you are interested in learning a bit more about Post-Surgical emotions, including depression, I have included some links at the bottom of this post that might be helpful.

As we come to terms with our physical capabilities and appearance after surgery, it is normal to feel a wide range of emotions. We might be thankful for our medical team one moment and frustrated that we can’t do something the next moment. Be patient and kind to yourself during this recovery period. A lot is going on in our post-surgical swirl, and it is ok to feel deeply during this time.

Scientific American: The Hidden Dangers of Going Under

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/hidden-dangers-of-going-under/

Psychology Today: Post-Op Mood and Cognitive Changes

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-antidepressant-diet/201903/post-op-mood-and-cognitive-changes-undisclosed-effects

Very Well Health: Depression and Surgery

https://www.verywellhealth.com/depression-and-surgery-3157203

Very Well Health : The Emotional Aftermath of Plastic Surgery

https://www.verywellhealth.com/the-emotional-aftermath-of-plastic-surgery-2710270

Mayo Clinic: Cancer Survivors- Managing your Emotions after Cancer Treatment

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cancer/in-depth/cancer-survivor/art-20047129

CNN: Battling Depression after Treatment

https://www.cnn.com/2020/10/01/health/breast-cancer-awareness-depression-wellness/index.html