Persisting Through Our Breast Cancer Storms
We don’t get much rain here in Southern California, so when it does arrive, it can feel catastrophic, especially if it lasts more than a day or so (as it did in February 2024).
As I dried the beagle’s paws off, yet again, for what seemed like the millionth time that day, I longed for sun and warmth. And then my mind drifted towards breast cancer. How often can our treatment journeys feel like an unending torrential rainstorm? We enter the breast cancer storm, often with no prediction that it is coming, and we aren’t sure when or if it will ever end.
So, how do we persist through our storms?
My Unexpected Breast Cancer Storm of 2019
As of January 2024, it has been four and a half years since I had the first indication breast cancer was on the horizon. My second annual mammogram in the summer of 2019 had come back suspicious. Those calcifications ended up being DCIS- stage zero breast cancer. My storm had begun.
Time slowed, joy seemed fleeting, and I suddenly was unable to dream of a non-cancer future. Those months of decisions, delays, and discomfort were a storm like none I had experienced before. There was no part of our lives it didn’t touch. It was all-encompassing.
As I dealt with this 2024 deluge, I began to make some connections between it and my breast cancer storm of 2019.
If you are in your storm, I share these with you in the hopes that it might encourage you during this time.
Encouragements For Your Breast Cancer Storm
It Can Seem Never-Ending (that’s normal)
Conversations were dark with my husband as we walked the beagles around the lake. He’d ask me about my dreams and plans, and I couldn’t think past the next appointment. Cancer had enveloped me in its clouds of anxiety and uncertainty.
There was no other reality except breast cancer and its darkness. I saw the pink all around that October of 2019, and it was like some form of cruel irony. Never had I been more aware of breast cancer than in those moments of treatment.
If you feel like the storm is never-ending, I understand. Feeling overwhelmed is normal.
Seek Out Light and Inspiration— Even During the Storm
During this most recent rainstorm, I opened up all the curtains and shutters to let in as much light as possible. I sought out both the physical and spiritual light to help to lift my spirits.
Sometimes, we can gain inspiration from something to look forward to after our storm.
Dave and I hung on to hope that if we could only get to Paris in April for our anniversary trip, we could put our lives back together after breast cancer. That was our light and inspiration. We dreamed of the times we would have to cherish each other after such a challenging storm. Little did we realize that 2020 would come and change all of that…
We finally got back to Paris in the Fall of 2023, so the inspiration worked, even if it took a little longer than we had thought.
Finding Comfort In Our Surroundings
I needed comfort during the storm as well. I began to assemble collections of warm and cozy socks, blankets, and clothing. If it was soft and warm, I leaned into it. When the radiation tech offered me a warm blanket during treatment, I said yes.
I savored mid-morning cups of tea, sparkly manicures, and quiet afternoon breaks upstairs in my bed. The breast cancer storm was still raging, but these things offered me a respite of comfort.
Relishing In the Breaks
As this most recent rainstorm continued to drench the neighborhood, I found myself relishing the quick breaks. I would dash outside during those times and take care of my outside chores. I’d leash the beagles up for a quick walk.
Our treatments often have breaks between the phases. We need to recover from surgery before we can move on to radiation. How can we take advantage of the breaks and relish that time?
When You Think It’s Over, But It’s Not
I was unprepared for the scanxiety after breast cancer. All it takes is for me to walk back into the radiology office to feel that familiar discomfort of anxiety.
In 2022, I had an inconclusive biopsy result in another lumpectomy. I remember needing to walk away from the computer because I was incessantly searching for more information about my pathology report. Maybe there was something out there that could tell me what was going on. Was I really back in the breast cancer storm again?
Thankfully, the pathology was benign—this time.
These moments of uncertainty- when we think we are done but aren’t- can bring us right back into the storm. This part of the breast cancer storm is hard. When I find myself right back in it, I reach out to my friends who have been there. They get it and seem to know just the right thing to say.
When It Passes— How Do We Pursue Meaning and Joy Again?
As the breast cancer storm passes, we emerge and assess the damage. Where do we go from here?
The sun shines once again here, for now. As I write this, I’ve had my 2024 mammogram, and it was “stone-cold boring,” to quote my surgeon.
I’ll take it.
Unless something comes up in a self-exam, I will go a year before my next imaging.
Now what? How do we pursue meaning, purpose, and joy after the cancer storm passes? Are there areas that need repair or reconstruction? Often, the answer to that is yes. Treatment does a number both on the cancer and also on our bodies and lives. Our physical, mental, and emotional recovery takes time.
Much like the saturated soil after a storm, our souls need time to dry out before we can flower again.
Jennifer Douglas
Jennifer is the author of "A Breast Cancer Journey: Living it One Step at a Time," breast cancer survivor, and patient advocate. Her book, published in 2023 by Bold Story Press, is an encouraging guide for breast cancer patients. It contains first-hand information, organized by topics, to help readers navigate the diagnosis, treatment, and recovery from breast cancer. Her writing emphasizes emotional, mental, and physical well-being along with empowered decision-making.
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