Protecting and Preserving Your Well-Being
How do we protect and preserve our well-being when it seems as if everything and everyone is in crisis? Behind the scenes in my life, this has been my challenge. So many things have been shaken up that it’s been hard to even do the basics.
In the fall of 2024, I threw away my “ideal weekly template.” After the life-altering challenges of the year, it seemed pointless to even consider anything ideal. There were many long walks, tough conversations, therapy appointments, and dreams of a future without the struggles.
I hoped 2025 would be different. Calmer. More peaceful. Centered.
Well, it has been different thus far, but not calmer. The challenges have been radically different from those of 2024. Not predictable, not anticipated, and definitely not easy.
Preserving and protecting my well-being as things have crumbled around me has become a necessity.
And it isn’t easy.
Here are a few things that have helped me along the way.
Know Yourself- What has worked in the past?
When I was a child and my parents were arguing I often took off for a walk. I needed to escape because there was nothing I could do to fix it. I remember going down to the harbor and making my way to a tiny cove. It was a secluded beach, and it was “my secret” haven. I would sit there on the rocks and watch the waves lap the sand. My mind would slow down, and I could feel peaceful again.
If I wasn’t able to go out for a walk, I would pick up my journal and write. The pages would fill with the thoughts and feelings I wasn’t able to share with anyone. My journal became host to the struggles inside my mind.
I would also pick up my flute and play. The music gave me an outlet for expression to pour out my soul, and only I knew the pain that was emanating from my breath.
Walking, writing, and music have been my sanctuaries in the storms throughout my life. They offer me the ability to express my pain and return to a more centered state.
When I don’t know how to handle the situations I’m in, I often go back to these strategies. They are safe ways for me to process through my emotions, understand my thoughts, and get to a more centered space.
What has worked for you in the past? Do you enjoy painting, running, singing, going for a drive, or swimming? If it worked for you then, it may be helpful now. These strategies are a good place to start when life becomes stressful and overwhelming.
Back to the Basics: Finding a Bare-Bones Well-Being Routine
How do we care for ourselves when the problems are surrounding us?
On one particular weekend during Dave’s radiation treatment, I couldn’t get out of bed. The stress from the previous day had caught up to me, and I was in severe stomach pain. I had spent the entire day worrying about his radiation side effects, talking to the on-call radiation oncologist, and trying to fix it all.
The stress from caregiving put me in bed the next day.
I learned a painful lesson about what happens when we forget our own well-being while caring for others. I spent it all, and had nothing left. And if I kept going that way, nothing would improve.
As I sat in bed, eating crackers and placing a heating pad on my stomach, I began to visualize an alternative approach. What was my job, and what was his medical team’s job? I let go of fixing and prioritized communication.
It wasn’t my role to be his oncologist. We had finally found the right team and an effective treatment plan. It was time to release my control to the medical team.
My role was much narrower. I would ensure he got to treatment and had the appropriate creams and medications to manage the side effects.
This opened up space for me to restore and find ways to preserve my well-being. I made exercise, eating well, sleeping, and stress reduction priorities. I began to think about what was “me” and what was “not me.”
I had let the stress erode even the basics of my well-being, and that Sunday in bed, I paid the price.
When life gets stressful, often the first things to go are our basic routines. We don’t eat well, we stop exercising, and we stay up later due to the stress, and we scroll our phones in search of peace.
The side effects of our choices can drastically erode our well-being, leaving us unable to contribute.
We must fill our cups with the basics before we can love and care for the people around us.
But what happens when even our best intentions to take care of ourselves don’t work?
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When we can’t sleep. Sometimes, even the basics are impossible.
If I haven’t had a good night’s sleep, everything feels harder. But how do we sleep when stress keeps us awake?
A few nights ago, I woke up in a sweat at 2:45 AM. Thank you, menopause hot flashes!! Usually, I can go back to sleep after one of those, but not that night. My mind wasn’t able to slow down. I thought about getting up to journal, but for whatever reason, I stayed put. I guess I thought I’d get back to sleep.
My brain had other ideas. We had been dealing with some challenging family problems throughout the week, and in the quiet of the night, it was time to sort them out.
As I lay there, hoping to fall back asleep, I began to put the pieces together. I saw the problems on sheets of paper inside my head and began to sift through them. I uncovered the layers and realized the reasons nothing was getting resolved.
It was twofold. We were trying to solve a problem without acquiring all the necessary information first, and more importantly, the problem we were solving was not the primary issue.
It was only in the quiet of the night that I was able to see the situation for what it was. The clarity came at the expense of my sleep.
At about 4:00 AM, I got up, made coffee, and began writing it out. When Dave got up (at a more reasonable 5:30), I was ready to share.
I was tired, but my brain had a newfound clarity.
Often, I become extremely angry and frustrated when I’m unable to sleep. But lately, I have realized that if the problem wakes me up, perhaps the time to consider the solutions is the middle of the night.
I need quiet to solve the most significant problems, and that isn’t always easy to find in my home.
This time, I embraced the situation and allowed my mind to flow freely in problem-solving mode. I didn’t pick up my phone and scroll Instagram or watch YouTube. I acknowledged the twin realities that I would be tired the next day, but that the quiet of the night offered a unique opportunity to see things differently.
If you are struggling with insomnia during a difficult time, you are not alone. We’ve all been there! Sometimes, I take something to help me get back to sleep, and other times, I use the time to pray, problem-solve, journal, or read something relaxing. I’ve tried getting angry at myself for not sleeping, but that doesn’t help.
What we need in times like these is grace, because some seasons bring disruption.
The next night, I turned the AC down a few degrees and was able to sleep so much better! Was it the temperature or the problem-solving? Probably both.
Prioritizing What Helps
Dave and I got off the phone with Dan, who had just been in a car accident. He was in Alabama, and the crisis call from him had come first thing in the morning. Thankfully, he was not seriously injured. Unfortunately, the car was totaled, but the airbags did their job.
Once we walked him through the logistics of filing a claim and figuring out where his car would be towed, Dave turned to me and said, “Want to walk to Starbucks?” Yes please!!
We needed to process what had just happened, and a walk would help us do so.
I think we went for a long walk every day for about a week as we dealt with the challenges that started with that accident and unfolded from there.
Walking and talking helped us maintain our well-being, connection, and perspective as we navigated through another season of “bigger kids, bigger problems.”
Whatever works for you, dial it up during seasons of stress. Take a longer walk, get a massage, meditate for a little longer, book an extra therapy session, or take another bath. By caring for yourself, you can preserve and protect your well-being, even when problems seem to come in unending waves.
Jennifer Douglas
Jennifer is the author of "A Breast Cancer Journey: Living it One Step at a Time," breast cancer survivor, and patient advocate. Her book, published in 2023 by Bold Story Press, is an encouraging guide for breast cancer patients. It contains first-hand information, organized by topics, to help readers navigate the diagnosis, treatment, and recovery from breast cancer. Her writing emphasizes emotional, mental, and physical well-being along with empowered decision-making.
2 Comments
Nancy Stordahl
Hi Jennifer,
Boy, does this resonate! Completely fits with my new essay about Overwhelm. Thank goodness Dan was not injured in that car accident. How scary! What you said about “bigger kids – bigger problems” – so true.
All your strategies for coping are so helpful. I sometimes have great difficulty falling back asleep when I wake up during the night. Generally, I give myself an hour and if I’m not back to sleep by then, I get up or at least move to a different location. I’ll think of you next time! Maybe I’ll consider problem solving, journaling or doing something. My worry is always that if I do get up and start doing something, it’ll become a habit. One I don’t want.
I’m sorry your life has been so stressful of late. Caregiving is unbelievably hard. Parenting doesn’t necessarily get easier, it just changes. And, of course, cancer survivorship is an ongoing forever thing.
Thank you for this honest, helpful piece. I appreciate you. Hugs.
Jennifer Douglas
Nancy, Thanks so much for the note. These overwhelming seasons come and go, and this summer is one where we definitely didn’t expect the problems that showed up. Thankfully, we are moving through them, and only the car was totalled, not my son! Take care, and let me know if journaling or reading helps you when you wake up in the middle of the night.