My Dirty Shower Was Yelling at Me- So I Fired (Promoted) Myself and Shut It Up

Every time I got in the shower, it yelled at me.  The scum on the tiles, the grime in the grout lines, and the water spots on the door spoke words of worthlessness. “You’re not good enough. You don’t deserve to have a clean shower.  You’re a terrible housecleaner.” I would close my eyes, breathe in the rose-scented soap, and try to ignore them.  I couldn’t keep my eyes closed for the entire shower, so eventually, that strategy failed.

 One Saturday morning, as I scrubbed my filthy sink, I realized I’d had enough.  It was time to fire, to promote myself, and shut the bathroom grime up for good.

That morning, after my shower, I called a local housecleaning company and left a message inquiring about beginning regular cleaning in the home.  It was time to fire (promote) myself and get some help.

The owner called me back a few moments later, asked me some questions about my house, and then we scheduled a deep clean for a week or two later.  She would bring extra help with her and get the home clean.  After that, we could discuss a regular cleaning schedule if I was happy with the results.

Firing Promoting Myself was Humbling

Picking up that phone was humbling.  I’ve wanted professional cleaning help for as long as I’ve been an adult, but it hasn’t been within reach.  There were always reasons why it wasn’t a priority.  The biggest one was that I wasn’t working outside the home.  I have been a full-time homemaker and virtual school parent for nearly two decades. 

What had been working wasn’t working anymore.

 I took on the homemaking, cleaning, and educating with a deep passion and love. It became my career.  The boys and I worked together in the home.  They were my helpers in the yard and the home.  I loved teaching them how to read and how to clean the house. We had lists to work through, and when they were old enough to do it without supervision, I would pay them to clean.  

Dan, in particular, loved to clean for extra money.  He had a rate sheet for specific cleaning jobs, and he would eagerly vacuum the stairs or dust the shutters for me.  I taught them how to clean the bathrooms, so for the right price, they would even clean my shower for me! This worked well, especially since their cleaning rates were well below the going rate for house cleaners!

While Dan loved to work inside, Ken preferred to work outside to earn extra money.  So he would trim the bushes for me and mow the lawn.  Since the boys didn’t earn an allowance, these additional jobs around the house earned them spending money.

Then, beginning in 2019, Ken got old enough to work, and Dan started to be busier with high school. They didn’t have as much free time to work for me.  With my breast cancer diagnosis shortly followed by the pandemic, the cleaning routines became irregular.  Eventually, I would tire of the dog hair piling up on the wood floor, and I’d realize it was time to clean. But, I quickly discovered that my home’s cleaning needs were well beyond my post-cancer energy level.

I couldn’t get the entire home cleaned in one pass.  I had to pick either the basic “living areas clean” or the “bathroom clean.” Both couldn’t happen on the same day because I didn’t have the energy.

When we had company, I could rally the entire family into helping, but for a few years, there weren’t any guests coming over.   It was just us, and I wasn’t keeping up. 

As I looked ahead, I realized that my days of having two young and energetic young men to clean with were over.  In fall 2023, both Ken and Dan will be in college.  So, what would I do about the home? What was my new plan? And more importantly, why was the cleaning falling to the back burner?

The answer was simpler than I realized…

I’m Promoting Myself from Homemaker to Home Manager

As I reflected on the changes in my life over the past five years, I realized that my role has shifted.  I’m no longer a full-time homemaker and virtual school parent.  Now, I am working- on writing and advocating every day.  This new role requires me to sit at my computer and create.  

The home is still a big priority, but it was time to adjust who would take the primary responsibility for doing the deep cleanings.  I’d already transitioned to a new role with my writing and advocacy, but I was hanging on to this remnant of the old role I loved so much.

While supervising the kids during school, I could dust and vacuum while they finished up a math assignment.  I could clean the bathroom while they were playing with legos in the next room.  But now, when I choose to clean, I’m choosing not to write.

My new role is incompatible with multitasking.  In fact, I’m writing this while in my favorite coffee shop.  I needed to leave the house and prioritize the writing.  I have my AirPods Pro on to drown out the noise of the people talking around me.  There is no way I could clean and do this at the same time.

What Was my Personal Envelope For, Anyway?

I had always used money as a reason I wasn’t hiring help with the housecleaning. For many years, it wasn’t an option. Hiring house cleaners is a discretionary expense and isn’t written into our monthly family budget.  Neither is vacation, eating out or home improvement.  The only things we plan for are the required expenses.  All the fun needs to come out of the monthly profit.

So, there was another way to make professional housecleaning work. Dave and I have personal envelopes we can use on whatever we want (hello, sparkly nail polish, and coffee).  These envelopes were funded from whatever extra (profit) we had the previous month.  It was money we could use on whatever we wanted.  There was enough in mine to hire cleaners, but I hadn’t.  

So, Why Not?

I’ve talked and dreamed about hiring housecleaners for years.  What has stopped me?

The Real Reason I Waited so Long to Promote (fire) Myself: Pride 

Does the fact that I’ve changed jobs mean my home needs to be dirty? Is it the right decision to allow my shower to get to an embarrassing level of filthiness? What was really going on?

Maybe, instead of focusing on the dirty shower, I should focus on the why.

Why wasn’t I willing to change things and let this part of my old job go?

As I scrubbed my bathroom sink that Saturday morning, I realized something.  My self-worth as a homemaker was tied up in the cleanliness of my house.  Cleaning was a tangible expression of love for my family and the most demonstrable way I could prove I was worthy as a homemaker.  

When my house sparkles, so does my mood.  I feel amazing.

 But, unfortunately, the reverse is also true.

Because I had my worth tied up in the cleanliness of the home, when the grime built up, my well-being deteriorated.  The dirt, dust, and grime took on the role of accuser.  They would point out how unworthy I was of living in my home and being a “good wife.” And yes, my brain went there (full transparency mode- on).  I had taken on the role of mom, full-time homemaker, and virtual school parent with great pride and purpose. If I let it go, who was I? 

Was cancer really going to take this from me too?

As I scrubbed the soap scum off of the sink, I realized that what I loved wasn’t the actual cleaning.  It was the result of that cleaning.  When I walk into a shiny hotel room, I don’t begrudge the fact that I wasn’t the one who cleaned it.  I love the fact that it’s clean.  

As the last soap bit of soap lifted from the white porcelain sink, so did my mood.  What if there was a way to have a sparkling clean home and still have energy left at the end of the day?  

The answer wasn’t better routines or a different cleaning schedule.

The answer was to fire, no make that, promote myself. 

I didn’t know what to expect, but I had set this new phase in motion.

Now, instead of doing the cleaning myself, I would be managing a cleaning team.  That sounds like a promotion, doesn’t it?

When the Dust Settled: Meeting My House Cleaners

My doorbell rang, and I greeted the housecleaners.  There were four smiling ladies at the door with all of their equipment.  After walking them through the home and letting them know which rooms to skip (my husband’s office and the kids’ rooms and bathroom), I settled down to work on a project.  A little while later, the cleaning company owner showed up and got right to work with her team on my embarrassingly dirty shower.

As I wandered through the home while they were cleaning, I admired their energy and thoroughness.  It didn’t take me long to realize this was well worth the money.  I do not have the energy to dust all the home shutters or scrub the baseboards.  Peace flowed through me as I realized I didn’t need to feel guilty about that anymore.  It was okay.  I didn’t have to take this role on anymore. I could do the day-to-day stuff, the easy routines, and then have help for the rest of the home.

Four hours later, which was twenty woman-hours of cleaning, they were finished.  As I handed the owner her check and set up my next routine cleaning, I gave her a huge smile.  The gift she had given me was far more than a clean home.  It was peace and energy.

The next day, I stepped into my very clean shower with my eyes wide open.  I took in the shiny tiles and the clear glass.  The shower was silent.  It had no words to condemn me.  It was clean, and my soul felt light. 

If you are in active cancer treatment and are looking for help with cleaning, I recommend you check out Cleaning for a Reason.  This charity offers cancer patients free cleanings to ease the burden of caring for the home during treatment.