Grief Is Part of the Breast Cancer Community
Breast cancer stole a friend, and I’m not okay.
This loss hits me hard. And I don’t know how to process my grief in a way that honors her memory while also maintaining the privacy I so deeply value—especially since she was a regular on my breast cancer support calls.
And so, I’m going to write. I don’t know if any of this will be helpful for readers, but I know it will be for me.
The Reality I Don't Like to Sit With
Grief and loss are part of the breast cancer community.
I don’t like to dwell on this reality, because it means it could happen to me too. I could have a recurrence. That recurrence could be metastatic. And I could die of breast cancer.
You could read me all the stats you’d like about how unlikely it is that my DCIS would spread, or how it’s more likely I’ll die of something else besides breast cancer.
But stats don’t comfort me when I miss my friends who have died. They don’t help me quiet the grief when I think of the other voices silenced by cancer.
When a Name No Longer Appears on the Call
These moments make it hard to keep going.
The tears are just beneath the surface for me. As I’m writing this, it’s Tuesday, and I realize I’ll never again see my friend’s name come up on a support call.
She was a regular on my Tuesday calls with the California Breast Cancer support group. I think she showed up two to three times a month, starting from her first diagnosis several years ago. We walked with her through her initial treatment—and then, heartbreakingly, we walked with her through a metastatic recurrence until her death.
She also came to our in-person retreats. At the most recent one, I hugged her a little closer, hoping it wouldn’t be the last time I would see her.
It was.
The Questions I Don’t Have Answers For
So what do I do?
Do I pull back from loving and supporting others to protect myself?
Or do I keep showing up, knowing that it opens me up to the possibility of making friends who may die from breast cancer?
It’s not an easy thing to process—especially while the loss is still so fresh. And since I don’t have the answers (and may never have them), I want to share a few things I remember about her. Because death gives us an opportunity to remember how someone lived.
Memories I’ll Carry With Me
She prioritized joy. Even as she walked through metastatic recurrence, she smiled and continued to do as many things she loved as her body would allow.
She knew her time was limited. A family wedding was moved up so she could be as well as possible to attend. She shared her joy throughout the planning with us in the support group, and I’m so grateful she was able to be part of that celebration.
She lived fully. She took meaningful vacations with her husband, timing trips between PET scans and infusions. Breast cancer slowed her down, but it didn’t stop her from making memories that mattered.
She kept moving. She worked with a trainer, went to water aerobics, and even did one of the hikes at our retreat. Her perseverance was inspiring.
She cared for her emotional well-being. She often shared what helped her—journaling, stage IV support circles, and regular therapy.
She was encouraging and supportive.
She was fun. She loved to sing, dress up for themed retreat nights, and dance.
She deeply loved her family—and her cats.
She was a woman of deep faith who walked through this final part of her life with grace and purpose.
What Remains
I am grateful for the hours I was able to spend in her presence. I will miss her.
And as I sit with these memories and try to find a way to close this, I don’t seem to have more words—other than this:
I long for a day when breast cancer doesn’t steal more lives.
Jennifer Douglas
Jennifer Douglas is an author, patient advocate, and DCIS breast cancer survivor. After navigating her own breast cancer journey in 2019, she began writing and encouraging others who were newly diagnosed. Her resources include her book, "A Breast Cancer Journey: Living It One Step at a Time," and her online support course, "Encourage: Breast Cancer and Beyond." Jennifer also actively supports patients through her online presence and direct involvement in communities and support groups, offering guidance and encouragement every step of the way.
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