Couples Walks: How to Stay Connected Through Challenging Times

Long couples walks are something that my husband and I do regularly each weekend. It is a way for us to stay connected through challenging times. Additionally, it helps us maintain our fitness while we’re talking through whatever is on our minds.

Dave and I have done many walks throughout our relationship. We started dating in college and spent much time walking around the UCLA campus, sorting out our homes and dreams for the future. Since we both had roommates, we weren’t guaranteed privacy in our apartments. Walking allowed us to talk about personal things without others listening to the entire conversation. I also discovered that it was easier for me to unpack emotional topics while I was walking.  

This pattern has continued for us throughout our marriage. We have sorted out parenting challenges, financial strategies, career planning, and intimacy issues on these long walks. 

Weekday and Weekend Walks

We have two different types of walks that we will do regularly. Every day we take the beagles for at least one, but hopefully two walks. These are about 30-40 minutes long. We have a morning route and an evening route that we take on the paseos near our home.

These walks fit into the weekday routine well and are a good way for us to get in some fresh air and talk about the day.  

The weekends offer us more time together, so that means we can take longer walks. It is on these walks when we discuss the significant issues in our lives. Long couples walks have been our only dates for the past year during the pandemic. This hour and a half offers us a much-needed escape from the home and the privacy that we need to sort out personal issues in our relationship.

We don’t really plan the topics of conversation for our walks, but that’s ok. It is an excellent way for us to stay connected.  

Benefits of Couples Walks

Privacy (when there is little at home)

I remember when the boys were small, and we would be able to talk about the personal issues in our marriage with a little more ease. They would be outside playing, napping, or they went to bed early. There was plenty of room for us to have conversations during those times. Also, they were too little to really pay attention to what we were talking about.

When the world was normal, pre-pandemic, we still had times when the boys were off playing baseball or doing their extracurricular activities. Sometimes they would go and spend the night at relative’s homes, and we would get the house to ourselves. We would also schedule couples trips to go away once a year to create that bubble of privacy. 

All of those options disappeared in the spring of 2020, as it did for everyone. Our couples walks became the bubble of privacy we needed to get through this challenging time.

We can have a pretty good privacy bubble when we take our long weekend walks. The trails we walk aren’t that crowded, which is good for pandemic safety and our privacy.  

Our teen boys are now home almost all of the time, and they hear everything. If we want to talk about a personal issue, we need to go up to our rooms and talk quietly so that they can’t listen in. There are some topics of conversation that I just don’t want them hearing about.

So, we save the personal topics for our walks. We can sort out intimacy issues, parenting problems, or dream about the future. While a passing walker might hear a fragment of our conversation, the topic likely isn’t relevant for them, and I don’t know them. 

We can leave our teens at home and walk, but if that isn’t available to you, you might consider putting the toddlers in a stroller and bringing them along. If your children are old enough to ride a scooter or a bike, then you could have them come along and allow them to ride ahead for a bit and wait for you. We used to have family walkie talkies that we would take with us when the boys didn’t have cell phones. This allowed us to communicate with them if they had gotten too far ahead of us and we couldn’t see them.

Privacy is a scarce resource for us. We have found that these couples walks enable us to sort out difficult issues without worrying about our kids hearing the entire conversation.

Words Flow Easier on a Walk

I have struggled throughout the years to accurately understand and put words to my feelings. If I am sitting in one place and Dave is asking me how I’m feeling, I might not be able to find the words for him. This is especially true when it is a really personal topic. Sometimes, if it is a hot button issue, I will either shut down or yell. Finding the middle ground of rationally talking about something can be difficult for me. 

When I’m walking, I find that the words will come out easier for me. I’m able to tap into my feelings and then share them in a calm tone of voice. If I need a break, we keep walking until I can put more words to the emotions.  

Also, since I’m out in public, I am usually less apt to yell. Even though I’m not in a crowd, there is still that pressure not to “cause a scene.” I’m not saying I never yell or cry on the walks, but it is definitely rarer for me. 

Some therapists are aware of the benefits of walking and talking. There is a rhythm to our walking that sometimes can allow and facilitate self-discovery. Some even offer a type of counseling that is called walk and walk therapy.  

I struggle to find words to my feelings at times, but walking can help me get unstuck. The feelings seem to become more evident once I get outside and get moving.

Maintaining our Fitness

 We were not always able to do long walks together in our relationship. In fact, when we were in college, our walks usually involved much more sitting. Dave was nearly 400 lbs when we married. He tired sooner than I did. We would find the benches around campus, and those would be the breaks that helped him catch his breath.

When I got pregnant with our first son, he decided to try to lost weight. He didn’t know if he would be successful, but he wanted to try. Through nearly a decade of dieting, exercising, and perseverance, he successfully reached a healthy BMI. He took up marathon running and has completed 7 marathons. He’s kept that weight off for over a decade. I like to say that he is half the man I married!

Throughout his weight loss journey and maintenance, the traditional dates involving restaurant food would make things hard for his diet. We could only go to restaurants that posted nutritional information. Even then, choosing an entree became an exercise in research and frustration. American portion sizes in restaurants are not conducive for weight loss!

Going to restaurants was, and still can be, stressful. This was not a fun way to connect for us. But, we could walk to get coffee. Coffee wasn’t fattening!

Walking has turned out to be an effective way for us to have dates and support his continued weight loss and maintenance. Additionally, it has been a way for me to regain my fitness after breast cancer treatment. We would start slow after my biopsies and surgery. The weekend walks would be shorter and much slower. I would use my AppleWatch to check on my heart rate and make sure I wasn’t pushing myself too much. As I healed, I got stronger. We were able to gradually increase our distance and bring the pace back up.

When we walk together, we are getting benefits that help us meet our unique fitness goals. I want to rebuild my strength and stamina after breast cancer, and Dave wants to maintain his weight loss. We are walking and taking steps so that we can grow old and healthy together.

I wake up every Saturday morning, excited to go on a long walk with Dave. These couples walks allow us to maintain our fitness, talk about challenging things, and have a level of privacy not always possible in our home. We come back from our walks tired and more in sync with one another.