Cancer Survivorship: Living in the In-Between

When I finished breast cancer treatment, I eagerly awaited the time that I could move back into the normal phase of my life. Treatment was done, and now everything could fall back into place. But, it turns out, there isn’t a back to normal. Cancer survivorship, for me, means learning to live in the in-between.

A Vacation In-Between The Biopsy Order 

A day before I left for vacation, I had a phone appointment with my surgeon to confirm what my radiologist had discussed with me the week before. The abnormality on my left breast needed a biopsy. I didn’t expect that he would disagree with the radiologist, but I wanted to seek his opinion before scheduling.  

When I called to schedule the biopsy, I didn’t know how long I’d need to wait. I hoped to get in soon after vacation but wasn’t sure how booked out the local facility was. Thankfully, they found an appointment for me in a couple of weeks. 

Once I got that biopsy scheduled, I breathed a sigh of relief. There wasn’t anything more I needed to do before that date. This in-between time was an opportunity to enjoy time with my family, make progress on my book, and enjoy the beginning of summer.

There’s No Wrong Way to Deal with the In-Betweens

There have been many in-betweens in the cancer journey thus far. Whether I’m waiting for my regularly scheduled imaging, results from a biopsy, or waiting for my skin to recover, it seems like my life is now full of in-betweens. So the question is, what will I do with those?

Will I take opportunities to enjoy and relax, or will I cloud the in-betweens with worry and anxiety?

In this situation, I wasn’t sure what I would do. In fact, I asked my surgeon for some anti-anxiety medication to have if my worry began to flare before the procedure. I also made an effort to be aware of what triggers my anxiety.

Learning Our Anxiety Triggers

When it comes to anxiety, we all experience it differently. There are different situations and procedures that will trigger an anxiety response in us. If we can take note of those triggers, we can begin developing a customized strategy that works well for us.

Initially, I was surprised that I was so anxious during my diagnosis and treatment. Looking back, I think that my anxiety stemmed from facing unknown procedures. I didn’t know what the mammogram-guided biopsy would be like, so I worried before and during the procedure. Passing out during the biopsy didn’t help me approach my subsequent biopsies with peace.

As I approach this biopsy, I’m feeling okay. I feel as if that peace comes from experience. I remember what my previous procedures were like and what helped me during recovery. I will advise the team that I’ve passed out before so they can be prepared. I’ll take it easy for a few days because I know I’ll be fatigued. While nothing is certain heading into a procedure, knowing that I’ve been through it before helps me feel less anxious.  

Last summer, I was facing an EMG test for the first time. I was pretty nervous about it, but because I know that information can help reduce my anxiety, I researched the procedure before I had it. Knowing what to expect reduced my anxiety.

Identifying my anxiety triggers has helped me develop strategies to adjust to them. For example, I know that waiting to talk to a radiologist after a diagnostic imaging procedure is anxiety-producing. So, I bring my phone with me to help me stay distracted. I also do things on my phone that don’t add to my anxiety. For example, I stay off of social media and stick to fun games. During my wait recently, I downloaded a favorite book onto my phone and began to reread it.

I’ve written a post on other strategies that have helped me cope with my anxiety. Having a menu to choose from helps me feel empowered during anxiety-triggering situations.

Enjoying the In-Between

The day after I scheduled my biopsy, I hopped on a plane with my family for our trip to New York City and Philadelphia. We’d been planning this trip for months, and it was finally time! Would I enjoy the vacation, or would I find myself clouded with worry?

I had such an amazing time. It was one of the best family vacations we’ve taken. I didn’t dwell on the possibility of another round of cancer, quite possibly because I was too busy. I’m so glad I didn’t try to schedule a biopsy the week before my trip because I know I would have been exhausted, sore, and worried about the results. Waiting allowed me to enjoy the time with my family fully.

It wasn’t always that way. During my initial diagnosis and treatment, I was overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts and worries. Dave would bring up our future together, and I couldn’t think about it. It was all I could do to stay in the moment and not freak out. (I did freak out quite a few times too).  

As I exited active treatment and began to find a supportive community of other cancer patients online, I realized that it was okay to have seasons of anxiety and worry. These would come and go as the imaging and testing approached. I wasn’t abnormal because I felt scanxiety. It was also okay to enjoy life in between these things. 

As I surrounded myself with people who had built rich lives during and after cancer, I realized it was possible to do both. I could accept anxiety and worry and pursue joy and purpose in-between.