When Good Results Don’t Feel Good
The waiting room feels smaller when you’re waiting for results. You brace yourself, knowing that the next few moments could change everything. Cancer has a way of making you doubt good news—even when the results are clear.
Receiving results is complicated. Once we’ve had cancer and undergone treatment, the scans and tests are designed to help our medical teams determine whether they were effective. Is the cancer gone? What are our next steps? And what if the results are clear, but we are still healing?
Sometimes, good results don’t feel good.
From Removal to Results
As Dave and I sat in the radiation oncology office, waiting to receive the results from his PET scan and MRI, we were still reeling from the dermatology appointment just a few moments before. Since he is at high risk of developing more skin cancer, an aggressive appointment schedule—every three months—is now part of his life. He never knows what to expect. This one involved freezing two small lesions off his scalp and cheek, as well as a shave biopsy of a mole on his back.
At 11:55, he was getting dressed after the biopsy, and by noon, we were downstairs in radiation oncology. The efficiency of the appointments is excellent for time management and avoiding multiple days on the 405 freeway, but terrible for emotional processing.
We were in the same room where we had planned Dave’s radiation treatment just a few months earlier. I vividly remember discussing the options—radiation to try to save the ear, or surgery to remove the top two-thirds of his ear. Neither was ideal. But isn’t that the case with cancer? None of the options feel good, even when the treatment is effective.
The radiation oncologist examined his ear and was pleased with the healing. There was still skin that hadn’t quite recovered and residual hair loss, but overall, the progress was positive.
Then, he pulled up the scans and told us they were clear.
For a second, I exhaled. A PET scan doesn’t lie. After months of treatments, side effects, and stress, hearing the word “clear” should have been a moment of relief. But before I could hold onto that feeling, the MRI results pulled me right back into uncertainty.
The MRI was a little less clear, as MRIs can be. Overall, it indicated that the treatment had worked, but the radiologist’s report contained some contradictions. We asked the radiation oncologist to follow up with the reading radiologist to clarify those inconsistencies, so we could have more confidence in what the imaging actually meant.
We would be back in three months for a follow-up, but no additional scans would be needed. Since Dave had radiation for skin cancer and there was no indication of recurrence or metastasis, further imaging wasn’t necessary.
After several hours of appointments, we were done, overwhelmed, and hungry.
How Do We Live in Uncertainty?
Before walking to Chick-fil-A for lunch and enjoying the glorious sun, Dave put on his baseball cap and “hat cape” to protect his ears. The cape was an unpleasant reminder of his now-complicated relationship with the Southern California sunshine.
We long for definitive answers in survivorship. Please tell us exactly what to do so that we never have to go through cancer treatment again.
But there are no guarantees.
Dave can wear sunscreen, cover up, and avoid high UV exposure, but he might still develop another skin cancer. In fact, the mole removed on his back is likely unrelated to sun exposure.
Why is he at higher risk for skin cancer? Is it his biology, history in the sun, genetics, or simply “bad luck”?
Why did I get breast cancer at 41 with no genetic mutations and no obvious risk factors?
We are both at higher risk for future cancers, and so we live in uncertainty. It often feels as if the question is not if we will face cancer again, but when.
And because we’ve lived through treatment, we are under no illusions that it will be easy.
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When Good Results Don’t Feel Good
We were exhausted after the appointments and the LA traffic back from UCLA. Emotionally spent, we took out our frustration on each other and every driver on the road. I wanted nothing more than to climb into a cozy hole for the rest of the day and not talk to anyone.
At the same time, we wanted to share the results.
I sent a short text to family members, and they were overjoyed. I could feel their relief and happiness through the phone.
For them, the news was simple: the cancer was gone. For us, it was layered with exhaustion, uncertainty, and unanswered questions. We wanted to match their joy, but we were still processing everything we had just been through.
Marathon Runners Often Collapse
Dave has completed seven marathons. Every time I’ve met him at the finish line, he has been exhausted and needs time and space to recover. Often, I’ve had to wrap him in a foil blanket to keep him from shaking uncontrollably.
Why would he put himself through that willingly?
Only after he recovered physically could he appreciate the achievement. In the moments immediately following the race, I was often the more joyful one. I hadn’t endured the strain, so I could celebrate without the exhaustion.
Cancer treatment feels like a marathon. We push through, hoping for a finish line. I remember being thrilled to have finished radiation—and also completely drained.
I barely made it through Christmas Day 2019. I was two days out of radiation treatment and spent.
Recovery Is a Process, Not an Event
I longed for the day I would wake up and feel recovered. Where was the finish line?
I certainly didn’t feel great after treatment; in fact, I felt worse.
As we shared Dave’s results, we felt the disconnect between the positive news and our post-treatment reality. Dave’s skin is still healing. He remains at high risk for more skin cancers. He hasn’t yet established a routine he feels comfortable with moving forward. It has been 15 months of trouble with this ear, and he’s sick of it.
The day after we got the results, we went on a long walk to Starbucks. As we talked and processed, we made some progress. This was day one of accepting that cancer treatment on his ear is finished.
But the recovery process is far from over.
Even with clear scan results, healing continues—physically, mentally, and emotionally. The joy others feel for him is encouraging, but his reality is different. He remembers every step of the journey.
He is still healing, and that process will continue.
Jennifer Douglas
Jennifer is the author of "A Breast Cancer Journey: Living it One Step at a Time," breast cancer survivor, and patient advocate. Her book, published in 2023 by Bold Story Press, is an encouraging guide for breast cancer patients. It contains first-hand information, organized by topics, to help readers navigate the diagnosis, treatment, and recovery from breast cancer. Her writing emphasizes emotional, mental, and physical well-being along with empowered decision-making.
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